trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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