why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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