When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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