it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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