why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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