i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
