tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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