I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
