Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
