I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
