so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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