A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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