I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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