She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
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