Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I need to stop coming to work sober
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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