Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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