Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
