I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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