I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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