The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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