just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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