yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
