Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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