the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
