Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
