the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
