I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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