Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Enjoy the penises
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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