my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
