My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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