I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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