So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
