over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
