NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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