you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
