She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
