I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Houston, we have a blender
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
