My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
