Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
