my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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