I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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