I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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