im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
