you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
