Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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