My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
