oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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