I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
