apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
