I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
