i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
