I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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