The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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