so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
