i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
