i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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