so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
