I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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