I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
