just come out here and I will go home with you...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
