Don't make out with my wife yet
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
