Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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