her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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