Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
